Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
