Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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