I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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