Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
