all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
