So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
