i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Houston, we have a squirter
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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