Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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