I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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