he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
