last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
