she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
