You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
