So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
