I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
