i just sent this text using only my big toe
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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