you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
