My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
So squirting runs in the family.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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