Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
