I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
