Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
