Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
sarcasm needs its own font
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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