Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
