everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Randomize
