just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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