we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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