You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Randomize
