Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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