I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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