someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my mouth tastes like poor choices
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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