just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
