I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
