Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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