she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
