I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
