i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
