we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
