drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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