I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
