Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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