did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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