I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
