i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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