didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
