$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
