The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
