I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
