I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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