then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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