Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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