hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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