You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
