I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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