If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
