then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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