Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
