some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
