did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
