So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize