I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize