wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
